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People treat me differently as a man OPINION: I went to see the endocrinologist with my mum.
He explained the possible side effects of taking testosterone the good ones, the bad ones and the fairly scary ones. Mum sat there and nodded and he told her she was taking this surprisingly well. She responded, "Well, what choicedo I have?" He replied, "You wouldn't believe how many people I get in here who come without their family's support. Who have been kicked outof their homes and are on louis vuitton double jeu neo alma their own." She told him, "It hasn't been easy,but this is my child. I have to be hereto support and love them regardless. They are the same person, just a different package." And I knew Mum had finally begun to understand. I needed her during this, and it felt like she was finally there. I let out a breathI felt I had been holding for months. The doctor handed me the testosterone prescription and my knuckles turned white from holdingit so tight. I couldn't believe I louis vuitton alma vernis bb had it in my hands. The future looked brighter. The future looked existent. READ MORE: Never too late to choose the life you want The girl who became a boy: Alex Ker tells his story Transitioning our boy to a girl What's it like to be transgender in NZ? Shortly after my 18th birthday, I'dbe travelling to Israel with Jewish youth organisation Habo to engage in a year long leadership program. I wanted to start testosterone right away. My family was against the idea. It would be the longest time I'd been away from them, and that, coupled with the potential of me physically transitioning, was too much. They were concerned that I would change while overseas and they would no longer recognise me. They were worried about how young I was and felt I wasn't self aware enough to be certain that this was the right thing. They also wanted me to go through the journey with my family to support me, and were worried I wouldn't have enough support from the people I was travelling with. I once did a bolsa louis vuitton neverfull m first aid course where they taught us that when someone is unconscious and not breathing, theyare in the worst situation they could possibly be in. Their airways are the priority. While conducting CPR, you can accidentally break a few ribs or injure another part of the person to save them but it doesn't matter, because they couldn't possibly be worse off than they were at that point in time. The only important thing was to save them. This is how I felt about taking testosterone. I didn't care if I would maybe one day in the future regret it, or if the effects were not what I anticipated. I didn't care if it made me a "real" man, or if some of my relationships would be affected along the way. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but that's because it was. I needed to go on testosterone for my survival, and I'm not sure I would be here today had I not. So I made the most difficult decision of my life. I went against the opinion and decisions of the people I loved and trusted the most, and I decided to take testosterone as soon as I got to Israel. On January 29, 2014, cramped ina small bathroom in a hotel in TelAviv with two friends, I applied my testosterone gel for the first time. I felt free to do what I'd knownI needed to do for a long time. I walked out of that bathroom the same person that had gone in. Theworld hadn't ended and everythingwas going to be okay. I was sure I'd done the right thing. I wasn't going to experience any significant changes for a while, particularly on a half dose, but there was something comforting in the thought that there was testosterone coursing through my veins. I felt peaceful, like I didn't need to fight my body any more. It was going to start doing what I wanted it to. I found that testosterone allowed me to focus on other things. Gender was no longer at the forefront of my mind because I had a new found comfort in my body. Knowing that changes were happening slowly felt like a daily affirmation, and evidence I could be whoever I wanted to be. And because changes were gradual,I wasn't as obsessed with monitoring them as I had anticipated. I thoughtI would scrutinise every minor change, make videos and comparison photos,but I was so busy and distracted that I wasn't overly conscious of how I looked, which I think was very positive. Had I transitioned while at home,I believe I would have paid far more attention to the little details. I'mglad that, for the most part, mymind was elsewhere. Changes were happening. I was grateful my period stopped earlierthan expected. It wasn't necessarily something that caused me stress, butit was certainly a major inconvenienceI was happy to be rid of. Plus, I would save plenty of money on sanitary items. My voice began to drop, hair grew in places it hadn't before like my stomach, toes and upper arms, veins popped out more, my appetite increased dramatically and I gained weight. This was scary because of my turbulent history with weight and exercise, butI was louis vuitton bags 1960 in such a safe environment thatI was surprised to find it didn't bother me. Plus being exposed to lots of new and exciting and oily Middle Eastern food meant a lot of people were gaining weight alongside me. Over time, I developed more acne, more pronounced muscles, a change in body odour, my face became fuller, my voice cracked more frequently and I had significant struggles with crying.
It wasn't that I didn't want to cry;I absolutely love crying. I think testosterone halted my tear production and made it a lot more difficult to cry. That made me want to cry.
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